I was always told that bad things come in 3’s. I’ve found that for me they come in the dozens. Ever since before I left for Colorado I’ve had this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that grows larger by the second. Feeding off of every negative thing it can. When I came back from my trip I came home to a broken washing machine, a town where I still don’t have hardly any friends, a bathroom floor that still needs replacing and soon, a drained bank account, and a discontent household. I had to leave again for a retreat for my Pure Romance business and the day before I left I got sick. I still hadn’t found anyone to fix my washing machine. Fast forward to retreat, because I was in a hurry and sick I didn’t pack that well and left nearly all my essentials leaving me to have to buy some stuff and even to have to borrow a brush. I felt awful for the first half of the retreat and now I’m so eaten up with anxiety that I just want to bust out of my own skin. There are two things to note. On this retreat I have not had any pot. I know my mother just rolled her eyes and some of you may have too. Some of you may agree with me though. I have no idea. What I do know is that it helps with my anxiety tremendously and quite frankly I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks. It makes a huge difference in the physical symptoms that I have regarding my anxiety disorder. And its better for me than pumping my system full of benzodiazepines. I also haven’t had my vrylar for one or two days. I’m really proud of myself and how far I’ve come in a year, with just taking my medication. Its not a huge step but its something. As a writer, as a business owner, and as a manager in a company, if I can spread awareness about mental illness then maybe I won’t feel like such a failure everyday. If I can do it then anyone can. And thats a fact folks. I saw a girl here at retreat that put things in perspective for me. She just looked so miserable to be here. Its like why did you even come. Why did you pay money to be here. No one forced you to come. I thought I was a miserable person. Turns out I’m not the most miserable person in the world. And that for me was a shock. It also made me super aware of how I present myself to others. I may not have asked to be put on this Earth and I may not always want to be here but by God that doesn’t mean I have to make sure everyone around me knows that. So as I await the looming shit storm that I know will be home for me when I get there I’m grateful for my new found perspective.
I know more bad stuff is coming. It always is. Whether it comes in threes or by the dozens. All I know is I want to be prepared for it. And if all that means is putting on a brave face then so be it. I’ll even try to manage it with a smile.
I am so very tired. Of everything in my life breaking. One thing after the other. It never fails. I left for Denver with a leaking sink that I paid $130 to fix, and a bathroom floor that desperately needs replacing. I am coming home to a leaking roof and washing machine. To say I want to runaway is an understatement. And I just did for a little while. Hindsight is twenty twenty. Had I known everything was going to break I wouldn’t have gone on vacation. But of course there was no way of knowing. I am trying to be responsible. I am trying to do the adult thing but I’m also trying to LIVE. Which can be hard to do sometimes. We get caught up in keeping up that we often times forget to simply live. Enjoy a walk or a meal. Go to a restaurant you’d been craving. Breathe the fresh air in. Tell the ones you love that you love them. I’ve tried to take something away from Denver and what that is, is letting go of fear. Living in the moment. Next time I come to Denver I’ll be better prepared, I’ll know more how to vacation, and most importantly I won’t let fear stop me. I didn’t let fear stop me from coming here but I did let it stop me from doing a few things while I was here.
Upon arriving in Denver I was exhausted. I had been up since 2:30am. But I was excited. My first stop was Kind Love dispensary. What I can tell you about recreational pot is that they expect you to know what you want. I was a fish out of water. I had no idea what I was looking at. They had everything you could imagine. From tinctures, to wax, to flower, to edibles, to vape carts. I was beyond lost. In Florida when I worked at the dispensary it was vape only. And medical at that. I tried to just hurry because I didn’t want to seem awkward. I always do that. I rush myself so I don’t inconvenience anyone else. Then it was off to Wendy’s for lunch. And a quick trip to Bed Bath and Beyond (which I wish I could go back to 🙈). Target was right next door so I stopped there and asked where I might kill three hours. She suggested 16th street mall. Which was perfect. It was an outdoor strip mall where I found the most perfect boots for this winter.
And they were on sale! Win win! By the time I arrived at my AirB&B to check in I was so tired but still so excited. I still had my tattoo appointment that evening. Upon arriving my host, DJ Bella had a joint for me! I was not expecting that. I hurried to the tattoo shop but was still late. I don’t know what is up with me and tattoo appointments. I just can’t seem to make them on time. I wanted my second tattoo to mean as much as my first one and something that I could add on too later on. For my theme I chose Pokémon. Pokémon Go was the only thing that got me out of the house for a while. And if it had not been for it I’m not sure I would have seen the light of day. It gave me something to look forward to, a hobby, and I met people through the local discord. I spoke to other people. I was not alone. I consider myself a hard core player but the truth of the matter is Pokémon Go filled a void in my depression that TV couldn’t, sex couldn’t, and sleep couldn’t. I don’t mind at all having a reminder on my hip forever that it holds a special place in my heart. Artist Garrett Sutton at Think Tank Tattoo here in Denver did my work. I think he did a pretty great job if I must say so myself. I may have to plan adding my Pokémon on when I can afford trips out to Denver.
Thursday was when I had initially planned on going hiking. But surprise! Denver had snow in store for me. I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t go hiking. I found out just how out of shape I am by walking around everywhere here. I found out when my plane landed that my hike had been canceled. I was pretty bummed. I had no idea what I was going to do in the snow. When all else fails you go to an indoor mall. Everything looked so picturesque covered in snow. I wish I had taken more pictures but I remember what it looked like.
Friday it was time be a tourist so I went to the botanical gardens. Everything was still pretty covered in snow but I still appreciated it’s beauty.
Saturday I slept in. Then I got to hang out with my AirB&B host. We talked a lot about owning older homes and how both of our homes are not really ours. We talked about DJing. We talked about animals. She even asked me to be on her radio show. I turned her down though. I’m not sure why. That’s where fear got in my way. I won’t let it stop me next time. That’s for sure. I should have said yes. I should have done it. How cool would that have been. We talked about music. We talked about culture and how Whittier the neighborhood I’m staying in used to be a black and Hispanic neighborhood. I really enjoyed meeting her. I’ve enjoyed staying here and it’s felt like home. I would definitely come back. I also had a date Saturday night. We went to an amazing Italian place downtown. We got a bottle of wine, a couple of appetizers, and chatted. Then we got our entrees. I completely thought we were splitting the bill. Nope he paid for everything. He was nerdy in a very hipster way. It was nice being taken out. Today I have eaten lunch, seen the Great Divide brewing company and now I’m about to face the task of packing. It’s been a great trip. Next time I’m definitely renting a car, planning better, and packing lighter.
When I get home I’ll deal with broken things. I’ll get back to the grind of things. I’ll work on me some more and try to figure out why it is I said no to DJ Bella’s offer to be on the radio. We all know it’s not because I’m shy. I’ll figure out how to save and manage my money. So that I can plan another trip, back out here or perhaps somewhere else. What I won’t focus on is dating. Mr Grey will be in my life because he has put himself there but I don’t really count him. He’s just kind of there. Then there’s Brian who’s made a repeat appearance but that’s definitely not going anywhere. If there’s anyone on this planet that needs a confidence boost it’s that guy. Mr. Vanilla has fizzled out. Quite literally. We got into an argument and I haven’t heard from him since. Sent a Snapchat of my trip and he had nothing to say so I guess that’s that. He didn’t even want to be friends so it’s honestly his loss. There’s a new guy, not sure what to call him. But I’m not focused on him in the slightest. I had actually forgotten about him until he messaged me tonight. Out of sight, out of mind. I’m dreading tomorrow, it’s going to be a cluster of traveling. And I pray I don’t get lost at the airport. I’ll never forget my first time in Denver because it showed me my road blocks. Home is where I’ll learn to overcome them. And when I’m ready I’ll come back and be on DJ Bella’s radio show. I’ll talk about where I’m from, what I’ve been through and to stop the stigma surrounding mental health.
I’ve started several blog post but haven’t been able to finish one. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m sitting here and making myself write this one. I need to. Somehow this helps. I had one titled “He’s Just Not That Into You” it was about my dating life and how to tell if a guy just isn’t into you. Ironic actually. Ghosting seems to be the theme of the month, which is very festive indeed. It’s like they think they get a free pass just because it’s October. I’ll get more into that later. And I had one titled “The Account” and it was about my job and losing a friend. Over the trip I’m about to take. I’m about to start packing now. I leave in four days and I’m really excited but it’s still a world away. Anything could happen. I worry about my car making it to the airport. I worry about my car making it back. I worry about catching my flight. Getting lost at the airport. It just hasn’t sunk in as reality yet that I’m actually going to Denver. A place I’ve never been. To just be. To figure things out. To get a grasp on my life. On who I am becoming and who I want to become. I’ve had life coaches, Therapist’s galore, and so many influential people in my life that I know how to “find myself”. Yes, right now I am very lost. Or at the least sad. The only people I can call friends are those that I share my home with. I found out last night that I can’t even consider those that I share my body with, friends. To them I’m simply a tool. A convince. My companionship, my feelings, mean nothing. I don’t expect a lot from men. I’m not looking to get married anytime soon, nor am I searching for a romantic relationship at this particular moment, but at my age I at least expected common decency and respect. Do you think I got it? Nope. I want to be the person that demands mutual respect. Not someone that gets walked all over. Sadly that’s what happens. I get made to feel like I’m the bad guy for wanting to hang out, asking simple questions, and just being the friendly person that I am. I think that’s early stages of gas lighting but I could be wrong. Why do I go after men that do this? I know exactly why. It’s what I grew up around. It’s what I’m used to. I always said I’d break the cycle, yet here I am, living it. Viciously.
I’m sleeping more and more and it’s effecting my work performance. It’s effecting everything. My bathroom floor is falling apart and I can’t get a handy man to get back to me on an estimate. I’ve had three people come out and three people ghost me on a repair. It’s getting worse. I have no idea what to do. My money is running out. And I’m afraid after this trip it’s going to be penny pinching for me. I don’t know how I go through money so fast but I do. I’ve had to buy windshield wipers, and tons of gas, groceries, cigarettes, I did buy a Cat Lady subscription box because I’ve always wanted one, I’ve bought people things, I signed up to sell Pure Romance. Which who knows if I’ll be successful at that. Throwing parties is soooo much fun but it’s hard when you don’t have a lot of friends. I’m trying though. I don’t want to be a failure but sometimes I wonder if I set myself up for failure. I know this trip is what I need. My soul yearns for adventure. I wish my best friend understood this. I wish she was still my best friend. I miss her so much and it’s all because of this trip (I think) that I lost her. I wish she knew it was coming at such a critical time. I’m either sink or swim right now and I’m treading water. Just trying to breathe. I need this.
I’m sitting in my childhood bedroom. Thinking that maybe somehow I’ll be able to write better, think better, maybe if I’m lucky, feel better. This weekend has been a complete shit show of a self fulfilling prophecy if I ever did see one. I knew this was going to happen. I knew this very exact thing was going to happen, and it did. Why did I even come? Was it to prove to myself that I was right? Did I really wanna escape Columbus so bad? Did I have to see how good I really had it to see how bad it could be. I could be here. And I’d have to deal with this daily. And to be completely and absolutely honest my heart couldn’t. I know I couldn’t. I would just die of heart break and sadness. I can only think of one person here I can honestly reach out to but her life is so very busy.
Four years ago my life was so very different. I was in a long term committed relationship and happy. I was also on 10mg of Valium 3 times a day plus a PRN of Xanax and then my antidepressant. I was pretty calm. That was the last we had a Girl Scout reunion and it did not go so well either. There was fighting then. I was ignored. I remember losing all my money at the slot machines because no one wanted to hang out with me. D was livid with me. I was more livid with me than anything. And I was hurt. If someone else had wanted to hang out with me I wouldn’t have wasted all my money. But that’s neither here nor there. This time was much worse and much more significant. I was blatantly called crazy. And it was it was called out that I don’t need to be on all “these pills”. When in all actuality I have not been on Valium or Xanax in over a year. So clearly they have no idea what they are talking about. Words hurt. If I had to stay here and here that everyday, guys, there’s no way I’d make it. Being beaten down, torn down, will, in turn bring a person down. In time. I’m strong now. And yes I am crying as I write this but I will pick my feet up and go on. I will go back home, go back to work, and back to my support. This place is not my home. This place never has been. Never will be. I grew up here but I will not grow old here.
We all have them. We all use them to try and get out of things we don’t want to do. These are excuses. Things we could actually fix if we really wanted too but most of the time we’re too self absorbed to think about anyone or anything else. Or we could honestly just careless. We use excuses when we don’t want to take responsibility for own actions or feelings. I’ll be honest I’m not a fan of excuses. Yes, I’m full of them like everyone else, but if I don’t wanna do something I’ll be the first to tell you I don’t want to do it. I won’t tell you I can’t do it because of A, B, and C.
Mr. vanilla in a way stood me up Thursday because he never said he wasn’t coming. I got ready like I always do. But he had make up classes. Valid reason. So he said. We had decided we would get together this weekend. He said “I’ll make time”. Saturday when I asked if he was coming, first it was the drive (the 20min drive), then it was his car, then it was because he’s lazy (which is probably the closest thing to the truth I’ll get), and then when I offered to make the drive, oh no we can’t hurt his fragile male ego. I’m thinking are you serious. If the man was half as mighty as his dick. But he’s not. They rarely are. It just seemed he was full of excuses this week.
So Friday My roommate had invited me to go to dinner with her and her friends Saturday night. I told her the night before that I was down. I didn’t think anything had changed. But they had. I walked into her room, immediately felt awkward, asked when we were going, and she said that she had invited someone else. I had no words. I just went to my room and cried. Not because it seemed like no one wanted to be around me but because I had turned down working TWO shifts that night because I was certain I was going to be with Mr. Vanilla and going out to eat with my roommate. I mean who invites someone to dinner and then takes it back. I was upset that I was losing out on money and that I had let my employers down. And for what. To be laying in my bed at 7:00pm crying. What a fucking waste. So I sent Mr. Grey a message asking if he wanted to go to dinner. Of course he said no. At first. Then he shocked me. He said yes! If we went Dutch. I was PERFECTLY fine with that. At dinner he made the observation that I don’t look people in the eyes that often. And he’s right. I don’t. Ya know why? I don’t trust people. People lie. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to appear vulnerable. So I look away, or at my food, or I read something. I believe the eyes are a gateway to the soul, you can truly see someone’s intentions just by looking them in the eye. And I have to really get to know someone before I’ll look them in the eyes. I remember as a child my father used to make me look him the eyes, it give me chills just thinking about it.
Mr. Grey calls me “kiddo”. I’m not quite sure why. I’m older than him. It is enduring I suppose. After dinner he took me to see a movie. And even paid for my ticket. So I suppose you could say that was a date. But in a seriousness he’s more my friend than anything. Earlier this week he had me go by his place while he wasn’t there because some people were picking up a swing-set. Now I’ve got to take him to the airport so he can finish up some business back in Vegas. He’ll be gone for about two weeks. He asked what I was going to do without I him. I said I survived without you before, I’m pretty sure I’ll be alright. I don’t really know how to explain our relationship. It’s still very new. More friendship than intimate. Which I’m quite alright with.
I went to see Mr Vanilla after I took Mr Grey to the airport. I was shocked his fragile male ego allowed that but I was happy it did. I enjoy his company and listening to his ramblings. Something happened though. Something that could very well change my life. I’m not quite ready yet to talk about it but I’ll find out tomorrow what, for sure, is going on.
I’m sitting in Tupelo MS at Mazda dealership doing something I should have done at least three years ago. I have been getting letters in the mail about my airbag being defective in my car for years and have yet to take it in. D used to fuss at me to take my car to the dealership to get that fixed. I never did. And I’m not sure how much now was out of spite. Or just plain laziness. What I do know is if he could see me now, he would be shocked. I’m doing all the things I always SAID I was going to do but never did. It’s been so long since my car has been serviced I have no idea what they are going to find. There’s already something else that’s been recalled that they need to fix but it takes three hours and I don’t have the time today. So I have to plan yet another trip to Tupelo. Just what I have time for.
8 hours later
I almost got pressured into buying a car today. I am THAT single white female that got caught in the headlights at the dealership. Thank GOD for my bankruptcy and the fact that I have to actually go through a process to buy a car. I swear. Guy came out and pulled me outside. Not to the side but outside and said “ma’am that knocking your engine is making is because the car had no oil in it. That’s the gears rubbing together. I can’t tell you how much enteral damage the engine has but it will give out at some point” So the car had no oil in for I don’t know how long because I wasn’t even taking care of myself much less my car. “well how much would an engine be?” I asked “Well at that point you’re looking at putting more money into the car then it’s worth.” “So you wouldn’t put any extra work into this car?” “No ma’am” “well I guess I need to look for a new car.” What every car salesman wants to hear. I hate car shopping. I talked to a friend and he made a good point. It’s not the car shopping I hate. It’s the being pressured that I hate. I don’t know how to say no. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Like a car salesmen is going to lose sleep over me saying no 🙄. I am the typical single white female when it comes to just about any situation. And it’s like there’s a bright neon sign above my head announcing it to everyone. Luckily I had my bankruptcy in this case but not every situation I’m put in do I have something to fall back on. And that is scary.
If I had said no to so many things. Oh boy. Where would I be. Who knows. But I’m a yes girl. I’m trying to learn to say no and it’s getting easier. The car lot manager asked if I liked car shopping and I straight up said “no”. One thing about me I know for sure is I will be completely honest with how I’m feeling. But I won’t always be completely honest to myself. Isn’t that a shame. Like I said I’m getting better. I’m working on it. If I’m honest with myself I’m super glad “Turbo” came home with me today. That’s my baby. And though she may be broken, she runs. I’m not sure for how much longer but I’ll take my chances for now. And I’ll be sure to make sure She has oil this time round.
This question was posed to me today and I didn’t quite know how to answer it honestly. So I said “no, but I like someone” and that is the honest truth. There are many men in my life; some that I can tolerate, some that make me laugh, some that I share intimate parts of myself with, some that will always be a part of my life, and one in particular man that I am very fond of. But this question made me realize that I do LIKE someone. I like myself. I like myself enough to realize that, despite that fact that it’s been drilled into my psyche that I must only date a certain man, I don’t have to settle for someone who annoys the shit out of me. I really could careless if he’s an Italian fighter pilot. I like myself a hell of a lot more. I deserve someone I like. Not someone everyone else likes for me. I have no idea why it’s taken me so long to realize that.
I have a lot going on right now. I’m working a ton. So much so that I’m forgetting appointments and going to bed at 7pm. My depression is getting better and I’m not certain as to what is causing the change. There’s been no change in medication. My financial situation has changed drastically and I’m working a lot more. That’s the only difference. I threw my birthday cake away today. But I also had a super sweet coffee. So no keto today. I need a keto buddy for sure. I’m terrible at doing things like this alone. But then again I can book trips to places I’ve never been and go alone. I guess that’s what traveling internationally at 17 and alone does for ya. I’m going to FL soon to see my old doctor I think and to definitely do some Pokémon go trading. I have a few trips planned actually and one might be home. I don’t want to go. I don’t feel welcome there. It’s always awkward for me and I can’t REALLY afford to miss work. I’d rather save my gas and the wear and tear on my car and stay home. At my home. Which lord knows Columbus MS is not my home for good I’d rather be here than there. Then I have my CO trip, and after that is when I’d go to FL.
As fond as I may be of someone right now, to be quite frank I don’t have time. I’m more invested in me. And I think that’s what made the Italian mad. I told him if he had given me my space and just let things flow naturally I may have liked him. He said “I find someone. Thanks. Bye.” Like buddy I’m trying to give you sound advice for your future encounters.
The Italian, whom I met on my thirtieth birthday, has taught me a very valuable lesson. When someone ask are you dating someone? I can honestly say “No, but I like myself more than I’ll probably like you.”
As I hide under the covers after celebrating my thirtieth birthday I can’t escape the fact that I’m still just as naive as I was in my early twenties. Call it a personal defect, call it whatever you will, but the fact remains I just don’t see things that are right in front of my face sometimes. I told you how I was dating around. Well it’s bitten me in the ass. And hard. Go figure I didn’t see it coming. I can’t cry. I can’t cry over lost love anymore. Those tears have been drained. I wish I weren’t so stupid though. Mr Grey turned out to be a real douche canoe. Or at least an immature dick wad. Everything was one sided. I was open about our open relationship and he wasn’t. He also just stopped talking to me. No explanation, nothing. After I had done so much for him. Gone out of my way to show that I was serious. Hell I joined fetlife. I guess it wasn’t good enough. Nothing I do ever seems like it’s good enough for anyone. And you want to know the really really heartbreaking thing. I met someone yesterday. Someone that made me laugh. Someone that interested me. Someone that made me feel good. Someone I’d forgotten I had been looking for. And now. He’s probably too weirded out to ever give me another chance. For all I know that could have been my last shot at love. And it’s gone. Hopefully not for good but for right now it is. He told me to give him time. So that’s what I’ll do. Give him time. That’s all I’ve got. Is time. Time to grow, time to learn, time to heal, and time to find love again.
So I turn thirty tomorrow and honestly I’m pretty bummed about it. I’ve never wanted to avoid a birthday as much as I do this one. I want to cry, and have a little pity party and I’m sure I will have a few pitiful moments to myself in the morning, but alas I must move on. Have I accomplished all that I wanted by the time that I turned thirty? Hell no! Not even close. But if I keep dwelling on what I’ve yet to accomplish I’ll never get anything done. Despite what I have failed to do I have done a great deal. I’ve gotten to travel a great deal, I’ve ran my own daycare and I’ve experienced a great deal. I have accomplished much. What I’m learning is that life isn’t a race. It’s not about who gets married first, or has kids first, who starts their career first or retires first. We ALL end up at the SAME place when our time is up. And that’s the ground. And I don’t know many people who are in a big hurry to get there. So what’s the hurry. Yes it will now be harder for me because I have not followed social norms but that’s Okay. I’ll get there. I believe I will. Even if no one else does. I do plan to finish school. I would like to fall in love again one day. And MAYBE have kids. I would still like to write that novel. With all that being said I’d like to revamp this blog to mirror what it is that I want. I want this blog to be about starting over at thirty. And that it is possible. I’ll go on dates. I’ll have jobs. I’ll go back to school 😬. I’m not where I want to be at thirty but I’m where I need to be at thirty.
You never know how many people really care until you hit rock bottom. People start to come out of no where. People you thought had forgotten all about you still remember your smile and the impact you had. No life is too small or insignificant. Everyone has a place. Even me. In my own weird way. I don’t know where I fit in this world but I know I was put here to help. I helped a girl out with clothes and a bible while in the hospital. One of the first things I did was get her a bag ready to go up to the hospital. It meant way more to her than it ever could to me. I didn’t do it for me I did it because I saw a need that I could fill. Something I could do to make the world a better place. So I did. I will call this girl until she leaves. I also met a man who lead me to get sober from my valium. Not that its bad for everyone but I have been on it for too long and everyone notices a difference of me on it. And thats what I hate. I want to be the best Katie for everyone. I hate being anxious but at the same time I don’t want to be a robot.
Part of being inpatient is giving up your freedom. Your sanity basically. You stare at walls for long periods of time just to think about the decisions you made that got you there. Which I can tell you sucks balls. I cried like a baby my second day. My first full day really. My second day I started to see the light and I started to do things that made me feel good, like run when we went outside and not sleep all day. I played cards with group members. I made people laugh. I’ll never forget those people. The people that impacted me far more than they may ever realize. You may think your life is insignificant and I know I sure did but no life is too small. NO LIFE is not important. NO ONE should be left behind in this cruel world I don’t care who you are. This world is scary and lonely and I don’t care what you’ve done you don’t deserve to be alone.
My friends and my family have carried me as far as they can and its time for me to carry myself. I pray for the strength and the courage to do so.
I unpacked all these in one day. I can’t stand a mess and disorganization. It literally drives me batty. Moving in a complete process. Its finding a job, its settling in. Its finding yourself again. In a whole new place. I am sitting at a bar my best friend works at to get wifi just to write this and to apply to jobs. I am at a loss at what to do. I have tried so much and done so much today I am exhausted. Being up at 5am everyday wears on a person. I try though and I’m still going to keep trying. I’m not going to let this depression and my BPD win. I won’t and I can’t. Too many people have put too much time and money into my well being and to help me get a fresh start just to sit and rot away. Like I’d really like to do but I know thats not Gods plan for me. Its the depression telling me that.
A wise friend once said “The greatest thing about life is everyone has their own book. Some are sweet and everlasting, some are horrifying and weird, some are sad and short, but it is YOUR book. And no one in the whole universe can copy or steal your book” – Henderson Cunningham.
This statement is so true. I hope my book is long and filled with lots of highs and few but very informative lows. No one knows what its like to be me and I don’t know what its like to be anyone else. I don’t want to know. I pray for everyone. I hope everyone succeeds in their own way. I never wish ill on anyone. I have made mistakes and I can’t take them back but I can live my life now and and want to repent and ask for forgiveness. My book is bitter sweet right now. And I’m okay with that. My sister has blessed me with a roof and I can’t be anymore grateful. My brother came and helped me move and I can’t ever repay him and my mom, don’t get me started. She is my rock. Well God is my rock but my mom comes second. I would love to write more and update more but its hot and I can’t stay long. I will have internet this weekend I hope and plan to write more. Please look forward to hearing me soon.
I don’t know how anyone can see a homeless person and not look down. If only for a second. We all know major cities and towns are going to be full of them that is just life. IT is what being below the poverty line has done, its what not being able to qualify for disability when someone really needs it gets turned down, its what being mentally ill and not being able to get help does to a person. Its HELL. I have lived it now. BRIEFLY but I have been behind the sign and will go behind the sign again today. Not for me but for THEM. The ones who have no one to look them in the eyes. The ones who remember my face because I had given them money and talked to them before. THEY REMEMBERED ME!!! And now when I have nothing to give they are helping me out telling me times to come back and when to come and trying to take care of me. There is such a strong calling in me to help these people. More so then to make money for my moving truck. If I make money for my moving truck thats fabulous but if not then God will provide some other way. I just know it. So do you want to know what it was like behind the sign? What it felt like to beg for money with a guitar and a case for 3 hours in the hot FL heat? Do you want to know what that feels like? What it taste like? What it sounds like? Listen close and I’ll tell you.
I started my journey later than I had intended to. Headed out, parked a good 8 blocks away from where I wanted to be sitting. First of all a guitar is heavy, so is a catholic Bible, (ya know, all those extra books lol) and then my water bottle. ITs FL so its HOT as all get out. Like I could have friend an egg on the cement had I had an egg. Anyway I’m walking down Palofax and I come upon a dang riot. Well riot is not a good word. “Gathering” “Supporters” with picket signs and the likes about SOMETHING. I don’t keep up with the news y’all. Its sad. I have enough sadness in my life. Something about supporting a congress man and I know they didn’t like Trump too much. I went LIVE with it on Facebook. I thought it was neat to walk up on that on my way to do this. So I watched that for a bit and then kept walking. I came upon a regular lady. A homeless lady who plays the guitar. She complemented mine and I said I would love to start a band. Haha apparently they prefer to work alone but I took no offense she told me where I could go. So I went down there. Along the way I passed another couple. They remembered me from when I had money and I used to always give them a dollar or a smoke. This time it was me on the other side. They were shocked. I’m sure a lot of them were. I assured them it was not a joke. WHO WOULD SIT IN THAT HEAT FOR A JOKE. Plus I would never want to take advantage of someone like that. So I sat below the Sanger theater sign. I played, and played and played, and played. People would walk by and not even look down. I would tear up. I was shocked someone didn’t call the cops on me for having an emotional break down on the street of Palofax. I’m a quiet crier though. I was crying not only for myself but the whole world of homeless people. They don’t even get treated like they are human. I had so many people cross the street just to avoid me. Do you know how that made me feel. The worst was when someone would reach in their pocket like they were going to give me something and I got excited and then they didn’t and I realized they put their hand in their pocket for protection. I would never take from someone else. And besides unless I use “the force” how am I supposed to get into your pocket?!? People are sooo weird. And its the little things that hurt and hell I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it. Do we realize how the small actions we do impact people on such a large scale. This is temporary for me I hope for them it is not. They have to live this everyday. The sounds were muted. I just heard my own thoughts and my guitar. I really don’t recall hearing anything else. The taste was dry and bitter. The feeling was awful. The concert was hot and my feet kept going to sleep and because I hadn’t eaten I couldn’t stand up. It was terrible. I was getting dehydrated NO ONE offered me water. Can we not show some compassion. I sang last night Palms 49 and I got $1 and finally had this creepy dude leave me alone. It was from a young boy. Teach your kids right. This little boy will never know what he did. That $1 didn’t go towards my moving truck. It went towards body wash for the homeless people of Palofax street. Supplies I’m bringing them tonight. I hope to make enough for a truck but this is for them not me. I’m bringing everything I can and hope it works. My bible and their stuff and my guitar is all I need. Wish me luck you guys!!!
If anyone knows me AT ALL they know that THIS is my song at karaoke. My best friend and I were supposed to go to Beale Street music festival. She had gotten us tickets and everything. I couldn’t have afforded to go otherwise. Its all I have been looking forward to the past few weeks because with my aunt dying, my ex ignoring even the text tell him she had passed, stress from finances, stress from work, loneliness, etc, I haven’t had much else to look forward to. I was going to get to see the karaoke “Ironic” singer herself and my favorite band of all time. Third Eye Blind. For people like me who are really sick sometimes all it takes is just one thing to keep us going. I no longer have that. Not that it would have mattered much longer because it will be over soon. Irony is a bitch because I need this concert now more than ever. But life has a funny funny way of working out just the way we need it to.
Life has been very ironic to me lately and very literal. I can’t seem to get over it. I’ll give you an example that is a little to spot on to what my everyday life is like.
So I’m on “E” but I am already running late to a Drs appointment 20min away and I have work afterwards so I have got to be on time. So I am praying literally the whole way there “God please let me make it to the Dr without running out gas, God please just let me make it to the Dr.” I didn’t have time to stop on the way but luckily I made it! I ran up to my Drs appointment only to find out I was a day early! I busted out crying saying how I drove 20 min away on E and that I had to be seen because I was very sick. I had started to aspirate in my sleep at this time. I was already over this morning. This meant I would be late to work which is a huge no no. Especially for me. I went to my car to charge my phone. As soon as I cranked my car to charge my phone it died. As in ran out of gas. I lost it. After calling dear friend and finding the humor in the fact that God quite literally answered my prayer I was okay. Still sucked but I was okay. I sat there nearly 4 hours including waiting on the Dr and gas to think about my mistakes and the grace God had given me. I deal with things of this nature on a daily basis. Its just my luck, its just my life.
And here is Murphy’s law
This week has been Cray Cray. Like crazy. I almost thought I was going to lose my job. One of the only things I wake up everyday for. All because I’m sick and I didn’t’ know how to ask for sick leave. Luckily I have a therapist who really cares and saw if she didn’t do something it wasn’t going to be good. I can’t say I don’t have people that care about me because that just not true. I know I do. Just because one person won’t acknowledge I exist doesn’t mean I don’t matter. Anywho IOP was SUPPOSED to start on Wednesday but I had to start it on Friday. It went okay. Apparently I’m a pro at DBT, which clearly you can know the skills but still not be good at them. Or else I wouldn’t need IOP. I feel like every time I get overwhelmed or stressed or both I go into an episode. Up until I was given the green light to take a couple of weeks off every moment of every day felt like a disassociation. I wasn’t me because I wasn’t there. I was some where else trying to avoid reality. So aside from starting IOP what else did I do instead of going to a concert that was keeping me going:
I cleaned and organized the LuLaRoom
I deep cleaned my couch (much needed y’all, much needed)
I started folding and putting away the immense amount of laundry I have YET to put up since moving
I planned a super sweet, stay at home cook, eat under the stars, listen to records, and canoe the blackwater river third/fourth date.
I wrote a letter to the founder of the company that I represent thanking them for saving my life and seeing what else they can do to assist me. It took courage but I told my story.
And I wrote this blog entry
Life isn’t perfect but I made the most of a super shitty situation. I had a great day. It was amazing on the river. Its Ironic how much, we shall call him for blog sake Professor Lupin (it was Walter White but the more I got to know about him he’s totally Lupin) we have in common. Yet how different we are. Right now we are just friends and I’d say dating as friends and maybe we will see what happens. Either way I’m happy to have a new friend and someone to go canoeing with. Its hard to meet someone and have to tell them right off the bat “oh by the way I’m unpacking some baggage lol
what a puuurfect day
One of the saddest things for me this weekend was not seeing my best friend and seeing third eye blind. So I’ll close with one of my favorite songs by them.
“Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”
Frank Herbert, Dune (Dune #1)
Change is something inevitable in life. Change is something I crave and at the same exact time run far away from. I wouldn’t like a life without some spice added to it, (no Dune pun intended there). My daycare is changing, my writing is moving forward, my passions are progressing. I am growing. I am becoming the woman I am meant to be. That is exciting. This blog is meant to catalog all those adventures. Dating, my writing, my career and school paths, the road blocks I may encounter and how I’ll overcome them. I may share past stories with you and things I’ve learned from my mistakes. Here is a short but sweet introduction to the start of a new life for me in just two weeks, then two months, then who knows from there. Life is an adventure. Let the sleeper in you awaken. Stay tuned as I work on “Escape from Palofax”, “Career Goals”, and just in general work on getting used to the lay out of WordPress itself lol so please excuse the messiness of it while I do so. I do think however it will benefit me in the long run both career and growth wise.
I love to cook. I also love to give. It’s my love language to other people. It’s how I show my friends that I care. I’ve always done this. I’d give you my last dollar if it meant showing you that I care. I’m a doer. So I did two things yesterday. One was going more out on a limb than the other. First of all I cooked. Which really isn’t that big of a deal. I cook all the time. But it is a sign that I like you. So for the sake of my story and what not we will call Mr. DnD guy Mr. Vanilla. In my opinion he’s pretty vanilla. So I had it planned out since Monday that I was going to cook BBQ on Thursday. He always comes over then and I was going to cook. Even took the morning off so I wouldn’t have to worry about work. Which didn’t work out but that’s the nature of my job. I’m sort of always on call. My Fitbit kept going off the entire time we were together but I ignored it. I wasn’t on the clock and I hardly ever take off so. But once I did check my phone all bets were off. I had group chat messages. Individual messages. GroupMe messages. It was a mess. Needless to say he rushed out without even eating. I even told my roommate I had cooked and even she didn’t want any I guess. No one wanted my home cooked BBQ. Before I could even get out of my mouth that I had 25 more minutes before I had to clock in he was out the door. I’m not sure if it was something I did or I said. Look I don’t even know what he wants to be honest. He clearly doesn’t want a sugar momma. The other thing I did was I offered to buy him a ticket to Denver. He polity declined. It’s not that I don’t want to go alone but it would be so much more enjoyable to share it with someone else. I don’t mind cooking for just me but it’s nice when someone else appreciates it. I appreciate it and I guess that’s all that matters. And about Denver. I’m still excited as all get out. I love exploring by myself. Always have. Maybe I’m just meant to take this trip alone. Because I have asked other friends. Not just him.
I will have an adventure in Colorado. And I will continue to cook whether anyone else eats it or not. I will also continue to be a giver because that’s who I am. If I give you my time, my food, my heart, or LEAST of all my money it means I like you. Take it as a compliment.
So a wise friend told me that once you get into your thirties and you’re dating, everyone at that point has some sort of baggage. But what if that baggage requires oxygen to survive? What if that baggage is a divorce and kids? Am I really ready for that?
Just two weeks ago I was completely okay being in an open relationship, now I’m contemplating dating a man with children. If I’m completely honest with myself the latter is what I truly want. Not dating around and having “fun”. For Gods sake. I’m thirty! I’ve had my “fun”. I’m tired of fun. I’d be just fine exploring with just one person but the right person. I’m great with kids. I’m not worried about that. I’m more worried about the whole dynamic. Could I be a stepmom one day? It reminds me of the movie Step Mom with Julia Roberts. Man I used to love that movie. But the kids hated her at first. I’m not sure I could handle that. We all know I don’t deal with rejection very well. And to deal with it from a child would be heart breaking. Plus if things didn’t work out they would get hurt. Again. I just don’t know. I was so hoping I would match with this guy and I did and now that I have I’m not sure what to do. He hasn’t really asked me out so there’s that. I guess that would help. But if he does what will I say? Can I date a man with kids? Am I really ready for that? Because it’s happening. Life is happening right now.
So after a long and hard fight I ended up winning my disability case. It’s changing my life. I no longer have to worry about finances like I used to. I’ll be able to go to the eye doctor and get new glasses and not have to have super glued together glasses. I’ll be able to get my car up to snuff on repairs it needs. I’ll be able to get out of town for a few days. A much needed vacation. I’ll be able to afford the health care that I desperately NEED. But there are issues with this money. Money brings out the worst in people. I’ve seen it nearly tear my family apart. I won’t let it change me.
But it has changed me. I no longer have to rely on others for my basic survival. I can finally drive the car instead of having everyone else “drive” me around.
My best friend has decided to disown me because I get disability now. I don’t understand. I would much rather not have difficulties finding and keeping a job. Trust me. I would much rather not want to take my own life half the time. If I could trade the money to having a normal life I would but I can’t. It’s just not that simple. I am beyond devastated. She would rather me dead with help than struggling with each breath while I’m alive. She was my best friend. I don’t know what to do. I can’t take it back. The months of work I put into this case, the months of not being able to get out of bed and shower. Or even brush my teeth. The misery and pain I feel on a daily basis I can’t just take back. Losing my best friend isn’t the only thing this money has done. It’s brought strain to my family dynamics. Everyone thinks they deserve some of it for helping me out. For helping me stay on this earth. I do owe them my life so I’m not really fighting it. What I am fighting is the downright greed. There is stuff I have got to take care of with the funds I receive. I have got to get back on deplin. And get my energy back. I have to fix my car. Am I being selfish? Am I a selfish person for wanting to be happy?
Money will always change people and change the way people perceive you. I can’t control what anyone thinks. What I can do is try to better my self. So will this Back Pay help me or be my pay back?