Mindblown: a blog about philosophy.
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Seeing Clearly
Becoming a parent has changed me immensely. I think for most people it does and in a good way. I never want my daughter to say those words above. I fear though that if I can’t find a way out of the situation I’m in she will. I have never known a love like I…
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When Reality Sunk In
I found out on January 2nd that I was going to a mom. Something I always thought beyond the realm of possibility. The first 12 weeks I stayed pretty much numb. Not even thinking it was real. Thinking that any moment I would start to bleed, signaling a miscarriage. I’m now past the critical first…
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“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”
I remember reading that first line of “A Tale of Two Cities” when I was in the 5th grade. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how I passed the test on that book. I never really read it. I think I may have read the “cliff notes”, but I did read that first paragraph. And…
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My “rights” as a Victim according to the DoD
I never imagined I would ever be involved with the DoD. Whether it be as a potential job or as a victim. I wish so badly it were the former. I’m getting a degree in college to stop people like my abuser. I thought rape was bad. Well he’s showing me over and over that…
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How to break an abusive cycle?
Well you guys if I knew that I wouldn’t be writing this. It’s all I’ve ever known. I expect men to treat me like crap and when they don’t I get confused and say to myself “well this isn’t normal”. I’ve shot down so many chances with some really great guys just to be with…
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Life After
It has been so long since I have written anything. Much less here. Not only is it slightly a public platform and not my personal journal, not that I think anyone reads it anyway. I honestly haven’t had much to write about except tragedy and trauma. And who really wants to read that. I personally…
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What does it mean to be mentally disabled AND ASD spectrum
What does it mean? I’ll tell you what it means. It means sitting on the toilet for OVER 30 minutes trying to relieve yourself but you can’t, because your anxiety levels are too high, and your brain is telling your body that it’s not safe to pee. It means in some form or fashion being…
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“Go To the Mattresses”
Miracles do happen.
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Unfulfilled
My heart hurts for what I’m going through, for what the world is going through, and for anyone out there who longs for meaningful human connection and doesn’t have it.
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Gratitudes
We NEED the rain. We NEED the pain. Because without it there is no rainbow.
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Shit from the Sky
I want to learn more and do more to improve myself. I don’t want to remain stagnate anymore.
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The Mental Health Crisis We Face Today in Our Society.
I started writing this blog entry on June 6th 2020 and I’d like to mention that a lot has happened in our world since then. I was still at Lucida when I wrote this, protected from the outside world. I don’t write this to take away from anything that is going in the world right…
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Easy Does It
I have been out of treatment ten days. It honestly feels like a lifetime though. I wasn’t ready to leave. At all. But I had a gut feeling I needed to get home and now I know why, I felt like I needed to get back to work, and didn’t want to have a huge…
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Residential PT 5
This is the last real good picture I have from Iggy. But boy is it special. Not only is it of my cat Eros but I got everyone to sign it the night before I left at our 7pm group. We would all sit in a circle in the middle of this courtyard, in this…
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Residential PT 4
This is the last sketch of Lucida I have from Iggy. I wish I had more. But I’m grateful for what I do have. This sketch depicts one of our group rooms, the “wellness” center lol there was a gym in the back room that I swear I never once saw anyone use. Except for…
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Residential PT 3
This is another sketch by Iggy. It’s of the park across the street we would sometimes go to during groups. There was a dock that looked out over the intercostal water way. I would always sit under the trees and write. And smoke cigarettes. But you would always find me writing. It’s like the pen…
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Residential PT 2
I brought this wonderful leather bound sketch book with me to Lucida even though about the only thing I can draw is a stick figure and I’m glad. About halfway through my stay we got a patient named Iggy who was one of the greatest artist I’ve ever met. I immediately gave him the sketch…
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Residential PT One
And that’s okay. I dared to get help. And I’ve radically accepted that I can’t change the fact that I’m here.
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Goals
Living has always been hard for me. As I’ve gotten older it’s more a less “what do I have to wake up for?” Every day kind of thing. Yes I have struggles and different challenges that come up but that is one major hurtle I simply face upon opening my eyes. Having a goal for…
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Always a Writer
I feel like this has been my problem for quite some time. I don’t give myself deadlines. I don’t push myself. I have no one to answer to. And I lose all inspiration. I used to be really great at expressing myself and I feel like I could do it very artfully. When I was…
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Does Mental illness matter in the time of Covid? And did it ever?
In a matter of months I’ve seen the whole world change. I was really sick before all this happened and was struggling to get help and now it seems like things are just worse and I have no where to go. My hope of getting into Hill Center for women out of Harvard medical in…
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Love your family
The day before Christmas Eve I was told by someone that my family, those who supported me most, did it, only because they did not want me anymore. I was told by this person that the sister who has helped me out so much in the past year and a half and who has been…
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Hiding
This photo is not the most attractive but I didn’t take it for that purpose. I took it to show honest, raw, emotion. This shows a person who is on their last straw, who is hurting deeply. Who, for months now, has buried and hidden their emotions from even themselves. I haven’t really cried since…
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To My Best Friend Who Doesn’t Speak To Me Anymore.
I’m guessing you haven’t told people you’re not talking to me. I was out last night and saw a mutual friend of ours and they asked how I was. I said fine. We were talking about Magic the Gathering and how I wanted to learn how to play. This person mentioned you knew how to…
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The Curse Of Three
I was always told that bad things come in 3’s. I’ve found that for me they come in the dozens. Ever since before I left for Colorado I’ve had this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that grows larger by the second. Feeding off of every negative thing it can. When I came…
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Denver, Never Long Enough
I am so very tired. Of everything in my life breaking. One thing after the other. It never fails. I left for Denver with a leaking sink that I paid $130 to fix, and a bathroom floor that desperately needs replacing. I am coming home to a leaking roof and washing machine. To say I…
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Unfinished Thoughts
I’m either sink or swim right now and I’m treading water. Just trying to breathe.
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Going Home
I’m sitting in my childhood bedroom. Thinking that maybe somehow I’ll be able to write better, think better, maybe if I’m lucky, feel better. This weekend has been a complete shit show of a self fulfilling prophecy if I ever did see one. I knew this was going to happen. I knew this very exact…
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Excuses and Other News
We all have them. We all use them to try and get out of things we don’t want to do. These are excuses. Things we could actually fix if we really wanted too but most of the time we’re too self absorbed to think about anyone or anything else. Or we could honestly just careless.…
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The Curse of being a SWF
I’m sitting in Tupelo MS at Mazda dealership doing something I should have done at least three years ago. I have been getting letters in the mail about my airbag being defective in my car for years and have yet to take it in. D used to fuss at me to take my car to…
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“Are you dating someone?”
“No, but I like myself more than I’ll probably like you.”
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Thirty and Still Naive
That’s all I’ve got. Is time. Time to grow, time to learn, time to heal, and time to find love again.
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Thirty
So I turn thirty tomorrow and honestly I’m pretty bummed about it. I’ve never wanted to avoid a birthday as much as I do this one. I want to cry, and have a little pity party and I’m sure I will have a few pitiful moments to myself in the morning, but alas I must…
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Inpatient PT Two
You never know how many people really care until you hit rock bottom. People start to come out of no where. People you thought had forgotten all about you still remember your smile and the impact you had. No life is too small or insignificant. Everyone has a place. Even me. In my own weird…
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Moving in
I unpacked all these in one day. I can’t stand a mess and disorganization. It literally drives me batty. Moving in a complete process. Its finding a job, its settling in. Its finding yourself again. In a whole new place. I am sitting at a bar my best friend works at to get wifi just…
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Behind the Sign
I don’t know how anyone can see a homeless person and not look down. If only for a second. We all know major cities and towns are going to be full of them that is just life. IT is what being below the poverty line has done, its what not being able to qualify for…
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Isn’t it Ironic
If anyone knows me AT ALL they know that THIS is my song at karaoke. My best friend and I were supposed to go to Beale Street music festival. She had gotten us tickets and everything. I couldn’t have afforded to go otherwise. Its all I have been looking forward to the past few weeks…
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Introducing the new face of “Insidersguide”
I am becoming the woman I am meant to be.
Got any book recommendations?
Just Katie 